I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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