she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
