If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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