IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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