dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
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