We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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