im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
