I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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