dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
