captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
