Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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