sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.