I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
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The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
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Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is