i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....