distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
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You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.