The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
