Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
