Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
