i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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