I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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