the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
