Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
