I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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