I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i drank out of a bidet.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
