I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Dignity is for republicans.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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