Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
