Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
