Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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