I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
God I need to hump something, right now.
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