Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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