I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
