I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
