i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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