The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
what day is it and did you see me today?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize
