Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
