there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention