hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
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your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
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Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex