when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
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he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
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Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer