So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
