He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
