If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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