awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
