today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
