dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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