Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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