When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Found the puke drawer
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
i think im in europe. pls send help
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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