I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
