the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
