and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
