hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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