there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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