Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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