Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
