Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
