i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
