Im at strip club and am horny
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
