My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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