So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
