Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
