Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
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