The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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