have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
